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Shhh, listen!

2010-07-21T12:21:00Z

I just received an email from a friend who sends out encouraging messages each day. The most important point I got from the note today was how important it is to listen.

I know I always encourage you to "breathe", to slow down, to be quiet in the midst of a storm or take a few moments out of a busy day to meditate and connect with your creator. However, this morning, I was particularly reminded of how important the action of "listening" is, particularly as it is connected to meditating or being still. They are inextricably linked. What do you want to say to me, God? Which way should I go? What message do you have today? What do I need to be reminded of in this minute?

I see a deer grazing in the meadow outside of my house. Suddenly, she looks up, her ears stand at attention. She is listening. She is discerning. Her attentiveness could save her life, or the life of her babies. If she listens and senses no danger, she continues to graze; but if she feels threatened, she will run, and encourage her little ones to do the same.

It only takes a minute to listen. But there are times it could make all the difference as you are making an important decision. It could mean saving yourself from an impulsive move, or an emotional gut reaction. It, too, in many ways could save your life.

Often, when I am exploring or walking in the woods with my grandchildren, they will stop suddenly and say, "Shhh...listen!" They are listening to hear the animals around them. They are learning a life skill that many of us, as adults, seem to have lost or never learned.
Maybe it's time we remind ourselves as to how important listening is.

For more information on the wonderful, peaceful place, from where I get my morning email encouragement, Briarley Hill Retreat, go to www.marianneclyde.com .

Enough already with the drama!

2010-07-08T09:48:00Z

Drama. You know it when you see it. But do you see it when you create it?

You can always tell when someone is a drama queen (or king). There always seems to be something wrong. Someone is plotting against them. There is some kind of conspiracy to make their lives miserable. There is anger, hurt, worry, panic, irritation, need for attention, manipulation. There are words used about others such as "always", "never", "worst". You listen to the gossip. You feel drawn into the drama and feel like now you need to make a choice or take a side. Yes, you know it when you see it. You hear the sucking sound of it and feel it pulling you in. But how do you stop it?

Pretty much, you cannot control another human being's personal drama. But you can control your own. The first thing you need to do is recognize what is happening. The truth is, we control much of our own reality. If you think everyone is out to get you, you will give out those vibes, you will create behaviors around that belief and ultimately it will appear as your circumstances.

It always is beneficial to step back and see things from outside of your little box. You know how easy it is to tell when someone else is creating his or her own disaster; so, step back and look at your circumstances as an objective third party. There are things you already know:
1. There is more than one way to look at things. (Your perception is not always completely correct. It is colored by your emotions and your history.)
2. Most of the time, everyone else is way too busy with their own lives to be focused on making your life miserable.
3. Other people's behavior is a result of their own perceptions and history and personal circumstances; it very rarely, really, has anything to do with you.
4. Anger and fear make you react in ways that usually only makes things worse.
5. For the most part, people are doing the best they can with what they have or what they know.
6. The more you talk about something that irritates you, the more it seems to irritate you.

So when you feel a drama starting, ask yourself:
1. Am I seeing things accurately?
2. Could there be another way to look at this?
3. Can I give myself a little space here? or Can I give someone else a little space to be who they are without thinking everything reflects on me?
4. Can I take a deep breath and slow down a bit?
5. What is something productive I can do to change the circumstances, rather that just talk about how bad things are?

If you want drama, go to the movies. If you want a productive life, take responsibility for it.

www.marianneclyde.com

Hurting for others

2010-07-03T11:21:00Z

That sinking feeling in your chest, the sucker punch sensation in your gut, tears stinging at the corner of your eyes, the overwhelming urge to fix....all common reactions to seeing injustice or pain in someone you care about. What do you do?

Recently, I was asked, as I often am, on a TV interview regarding my recent trip to Haiti, "How do you deal with the feelings of what you see and hear?" This question is just as appropriate whether you are witnessing results of a natural disaster first hand or if you see someone you love encounter a difficult or hurtful situation closer to home. The inner reactions are often the same and the need to fix it or make the pain go away feels so urgent. But you can't. Many times the disaster is too big, or the event is over and cannot be reversed, or perhaps the pain is a natural consequence of someone's previous actions, which cannot be changed.

In the quiet moments this morning as I was reflecting, I felt overwhelmed with some of these feelings. These feelings are normal, but are not productive. A surge of anger, a wave of sadness, feelings of helplessness must be acknowledged and then overcome. If we allow ourselves to stay there, we just end up sitting in a swampy pit of despair which doesn't help anyone and just gets stinky. On the other hand, if we rush headlong to fix something that is beyond our scope or outside of our realm of responsibility, we can do more damage than good; or at the very least we can waste our time or get in the way or cause resentments.

What came to my mind as I was meditating this morning was how very clear it is that so many of my prayers over the years have been answered in such remarkable ways. I may not have seen the answer right away when I might have cried out in desperation, and yet, I am convinced that every prayer is heard the moment it is uttered. A verse that I find comfort in often is "If we ask anything according to his will, he hears us; and if he hears us, then we know we HAVE ALREADY received what we have asked." [I John 5:14-15] I know he desires good and peace and joy and wisdom and growth and unity and provision and love for each of us. So, even as I feel heartache, and utter a prayer, I know that prayer is heard and being answered. Sometime it takes a while to manifest

The second part of this puzzle is to do what we CAN. Can I offer encouragement? Can I give something to make the journey easier to bear? What can I do in the situation that makes sense and actually contributes to a solution or resolution without robbing the person involved of the privilege of personal responsibility and growth? When I have done what I can, I am reminded that we should not "grow weary in doing good, for we WILL reap...if we do not give up." [Galatians 6:9] I have seen this happen. Does it always happen quickly? Ah....no. But it does happen. Things do change. We cannot change yesterday, but starting today, we can create a better tomorrow, and feel good about a productive today. When you are living a productive life, breathing deeply, discerning the best course to take, we protect ourselves from the overwhelm of sadness and the mire of uncontrolled anger or fear.

One of the joys and privileges of growing older is you have more hindsight to see that these things are actually true So take a deep breath, say a prayer, make a plan and move on. And walk in joy.

www.marianneclyde.com

Strength in serenity

2010-06-19T10:43:00Z

The dictionary defines serenity as "marked by or suggestive of utter calm and unruffled repose or quietude."

This is not exactly the response you would expect from the people of Haiti, who, in 45 seconds, watched their houses crumble to dust, burying friends and family members, destroying life as they knew it. However, in my recent visit there, serenity is exactly what they discovered that they must find in order to find fulfillment. This is true in all life's circumstances, whether it be a troubled marriage, a wayward child, financial needs, a new job opportunity or an earthquake. You need to find the peaceful place inside of you where you have the clarity to determine what you can do and what you cannot.

To scream and cry and kick a pile of rubble, while certainly a normal human reaction and perhaps part of the grieving process, is not productive if you linger too long there. You must come to a place where you recognize that what's done is done and move on. We all have constructive things we can do today to influence our tomorrows; but we have no control or influence at all over yesterday, or natural disasters, or even other people's actions and reactions. So why waste your time trying to exert energies in such a fruitless way? Yes, you must acknowledge what happened and the pain it gives, because to ignore it and push it down, just shoves it away somewhere in your psyche to get infected and show up somehow, somewhere later. But you can begin to move on even while you are still grieving, by asking yourself the questions, where do I want to go? and what can I do today to begin that journey?

The staffs that I worked with created a mural, identifying three things: 1. What the most painful part of the earthquake was for them personally; 2. What they are doing right now to rebuild their lives; and 3. What they hope their collective rebuilding efforts will accomplish. In the middle of the mural is the Serenity Prayer.

God,

Grant me the serenity;

To accept the things I cannot change;

The courage, to change the things I can;

And the wisdom, to know the difference.

[They also chose to add the following part, added by William Spence in 1953:]

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

As it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

If I surrender to His Will;

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

And supremely happy with Him

Forever and ever in the next.

It is vital to make the time to quiet yourself enough to ask the questions and determine what it is you CAN do and to do it. There is joy in new beginnings and a sense of accomplishment in observing things come together. So find the time, develop your plan and forge ahead....oh yes, and breathe...

I just had this concept tested, as I completed writing this blog and pushed the delete button by mistake. So after kicking my computer a few times [kidding], I sat down to write again, sigh....sometimes life is not easy; it just IS.

www.marianneclyde.com

When life crumbles around you...

2010-06-14T01:34:00Z

As I write, I am in Haiti, surrounded by devastation. The buildings in Port au Prince are in various levels of disrepair. Some are simply a pile of concrete rubble; others are collapsed with one floor laying directly on top of the one below; and a few have relatively little or no obvious damage except the clear knowledge that the foundations have been severely shaken.

As far as people go, the situation is the same. Many are dead; yet not all have been found. Others have had their lives simply collapse around them. There is some recognition of how life used to be, but will need total reconstruction. Others seem to be doing OK, but their hearts and minds are splintered from the jolt of trauma and need support and reinforcement.

That is why I am here. I do not have answers, but I have tools to share to help them rebuild the foundations of their lives. I cannot fix their problems, but I can support them through it, so that they know they are not alone.

This is a faith filled, resilient culture. After having survived so many natural disasters, they know they can survive this, and rebuild their lives to make them even stronger and more beautiful than before. But it will take time. A long time.

Whether you are trying to survive a crumbled marriage, a broken heart, shattered dreams or an earth shattering disaster, the intensity varies, but the following tools help quell the overwhelm.

1. Take time to step back and breathe deeply to give you a better perspective.
2. Make time to quiet your soul with meditation, muscle relaxation, visualization of a peaceful place in your mind and/or prayer.
3. Break down the ever-increasing demands and stressors by managing your time. Decide what you must do each day, write it down and do it.
4. If you have a specific dilemma with a relationship, don't let the pressure force you to react or over react too quickly. Discern your needs, the needs of the other(s) involved, and meet them the best you can, doing what is most healthy for everyone. Maintain your boundaries and establish time frames that work for you.
5. Take time to release your physical stress by exercising, dancing, singing, writing, talking it out or doing yoga.
6. In order to accomplish tasks that need to be done, make a plan and work the plan, one step at a time.
7. Ask yourself productive, forward moving questions such as: "What can I do about this TODAY?" and do it, rather than "Why me?" type questions.

And breathe. And cultivate a thankful heart for what you DO have.

www.marianneclyde.com

Cloudy in the valley

2010-04-27T19:50:00Z

A few days ago, as we were driving along the skyline drive in Virginia, the view was breathtaking! There must have been four or five different rainbows at various places along the way. Some, we could see end to end, so that we felt like we could easily find the pot of gold. We could almost touch it! The sun breaking though the clouds in "God-beams" gave a majestic view to the sky, with the light filtering on the newly blossoming trees. Dogwoods dotted the woods while a little bear on the side of the road was munching fresh juicy leaves, contented and apparently oblivious to the little gnats orbiting his body. We drove for miles and miles without passing another car. It was so peaceful and lovely up there, the sunshine made us sleepy, so we pulled up to an overlook spot to rest.

It was amazing how after all that beauty, we looked toward the valley and could see absolutely nothing because the clouds, swirling like angel hair, were totally blocking everything. Even though they were delicious to look at from our end, like cotton candy, they entirely engulfed the valley below in darkness. It reminded me how a different perspective can change everything.

So often in our lives, we are only aware of the darkness hovering over us. Our little world looks completely dark and hopeless. We get so caught up in what it looks like and feels like in the valley, that we choose to stay indoors, uninterested in venturing out. Everything looks bleak and ominous. It feels depressing and sad. In our little worlds, it feels like there is no hope and nothing to look forward to. Considering this, I closed my eyes for a few minutes and rested.

When I opened my eyes again, the breeze had blown the clouds apart and sun was beginning to shine through to the valley. I could see the lush green below and appreciate the beauty that was hidden only moments before. I was reminded that darkness and troubles only remain for a moment and the sun, which is always there...only hidden sometimes...will always break through. There is another world operating at the same time as our little bleak one in the valley. There is a power greater than the darkness and the clouds. Once upon a time the power said, "Let there be light." And there was light.

That same power is always operating no matter what it looks like in your valley. That power will blow the clouds away and say, once again, "Let there be light" to your situation. And there will be light. Just breathe.

www.marianneclyde.com

This LOVE thing: what is it, really?

2010-04-12T21:21:00Z

What keeps us from seeing what love really is? How do we let ourselves be blinded by mental and emotional clutter that keeps us from knowing more about love?

As I have been posting recently about change, I have become aware of an amazing amount and variety of changes taking place in the lives of people I know and love. In doing so, it makes me question what is love, actually? In traditional relationships, we make certain assumptions about what you do and don't do if you love someone. Mostly, those assumptions come from our early formed beliefs about how we fit in the world, what makes us feel worthy, what we think of God and who he is, what expectations are put upon us by society and how we should tow the line if we want to be loved or remain loved. Often, those beliefs have little in common with truth.

Let's just say that we need to constantly examine our own hearts to see how much we love others and why. What do we receive from those relationships and what do we give and why? What would make you throw in the towel on a relationship and why? What if you, like the dog holding a bone and seeing his reflection in the water, like what you see, would you drop what you have or not, and why?

If love is really selfless, as we all think it should be, what does that mean? It certainly does not mean being a doormat and letting someone walk all over you. Many of us think that is the only option. It is not. I believe that it means first of all understanding yourself enough to know that you are worthy and whole in your own being. You do not need another to fulfill you or complete you or to make you worthy. If you know this to be true, then when someone you love is expressing his or her self in a manner that might not look good or normal or pure, you can see clearly enough to love that person as they explore and learn, understanding that it may not be a reflection of how they feel about you, but something going on inside his or her mind and heart. If we judge by appearances and our feelings, we can slam the door shut on a relationship that, given the chance, can grow and mature and become stronger through a trial. If we turn around and slam the door, we shut down all communication and all feelings good and bad, essentially throwing out the baby with the bath water because the water has become too dirty to see through. Remember that there is something very valuable in that murky water.

Can you maintain your own sense of worth, while the rest of the world looks on and judges and opines? Or is it possible for you to love in the face of change and adversity, allowing the object of your love to grow and test the waters that seem right to him or her at the moment, without assuming you have lost your value? We do not need to allow the winds of change to blow us out of the water. We just need to assess the situation and communicate what we observe, then, reset our sails, recondition our oars, strengthen our bodies and minds and spirits to maintain our center when we are assailed by the winds of change.

If you are feeling a bit blown about by the winds of change in your relationship, ask yourself a few questions:

1. How have I contributed to this change?
2. Is there something I need to do or say or change, or should I just be still?
3. What is good and worth holding onto here?
4. How can I be supportive of the one I love even if I disagree with him/her?
5. How can I love pragmatically, even while I am hurting?
6. Can I separate myself enough to see if this is about me or not? (It's not always about you)
7. What is my intent for this relationship and the other person? Can that still be accomplished?
8. Do I need to re-think my goals and where I am headed?
9. Can I open my mind to include a new way of thinking?
10. Can I hear the whispers of others and not let it affect who I am?

I think we always need to be questioning our intentions and motivations in order to be sure that we are clear and pure and as true as we can be. We need to begin to assume that others are not out to get us, but really just scrambling to survive and find out who they really are. If we give them that latitude to maneuver, they may be able to stretch and grow and learn to love more deeply and more truly. How can that be bad?

www.marianneclyde.com

Still breezy with plenty of sunshine.

2010-03-31T19:53:00Z

As many of you know, we have been recently buffeted by the "winds of change". After a couple of months of life changes and a big international move, it looks like we have landed in Happy Valley! Walking along the country road today, I noticed that the winds are still blowing, but I know that those breezes are ushering in 80 degree weather tomorrow and a lovely Easter weekend. Blue birds were flitting around from fence post to fence post as I was walking; the cows just stood still, slowly chewing their cud, while their eyes just lazily followed me down the lane, seeming to say, "Welcome home." Daffodils waved their lovely yellow heads in the wind, while the hyacinths allowed the breeze to spread the fragrance of spring. I am delighted to be closer to old friends and family, while missing the friends that are now so far away. There are two sides to every change, so it is important to maintain a steady center, so as not to be caught off balance.

During the most stressful of times during these changes, I really just kept my head down against the wind and put one foot in front of the other, just as I advised in my last blog. Sometimes just battling the emotional upheaval and busy-ness of the practicalities of dealing with changes, seems like a full time job. But the winds do calm down and they do bring in changes in the weather as well as in circumstance. Noticing the pretty hearty breeze this morning, I was reminded that the breezes really never stop for good. You may have a still day or season from time to time, but just as in the weather, our lives are often moved by circumstances and things are constantly changing. Sometimes it feels good and sometimes not, but just so, you need to expect that change is one of the only constants in life.

As we enter into this gorgeous spring season, where all things become new, we need to maintain our connection to the unchangeable one; the one who is in the midst of every change, who provides firm footing no matter how hard the winds blow. He wants to live in you so that you can also live that abundant life. Take a deep breath, breathing in the fragrance of new beginnings and joy in each moment, breeze or no breeze.

www.marianneclyde.com

The winds of change...

2010-02-08T00:30:00Z

Yesterday, as I was walking around the palace, it became so windy that I could hardly stand up or make any progress going forward. So, I kept my head down and continued to put one foot in front of the other, which was pretty much the only way to get home! Then my brain made the connection to similarities between my walking challenge and dealing with changes in our lives.

The winds of change are similar to the gusts and blasts from nature. Often you don't know where they are coming from. They can be unexpected. There might not seem to be any reason. And you are really not sure what the collateral damage will be, if there is any. So, as our human nature is asking why? who? what? where? how? Mother nature just shrugs her shoulders. Harrumph.

Here are some thoughts and applied wisdom from my walk on wind and change:

1. Keep your head down and deal with each step as it comes.
2. Continue to take one step at a time. Stay focused on where you want to go.
3. It's nice to have someone to hold onto. If you do, then he/she is being buffeted around too; so you can support each other but don't cling so hard that you drag the other down.
4. Stuff will blow in your eyes and make you teary; wipe the tears; don't obsess about them, or look for something to blame.
5. You might not look pretty, but "outdoorsy and windblown" is not a bad thing; it's actually kind of cool and admirable. Look at all the running/mountain climbing/sports magazines!
6. People might wonder what on earth you are doing as they drive by in their heated cars; let them. People love to judge from their safe places.
7. Focus on what is good about the situation. [It was sunny. My body is healthy enough to battle the wind. It gave me a topic for my blog.]
8. You will feel good about yourself after it is over because you dealt with it and didn't let it stop you or get you down.
9. It adds one more thing to your repertoire of what you can deal with, and probably makes for a good story.
10. Neitzche said, "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

So it is with the winds of change. They are going to come. They can be unpredictable. You can handle it, if you don't hold onto what you have or what you were expecting, and open yourself up to embrace what it is. Whining is not helpful

Check out www.marianneclyde.com for more bits of pragmatic wisdom!

So what do we do now?

2010-01-30T09:01:00Z

I think it is safe to say that from time to time, we all run into perplexing situations in which we feel betrayed, confused, perplexed or abandoned. At such times, we cry out to God (or whoever else might be listening), "What am I to do?" "Where am I to go?" "Show me the way." "Lead me in the right path."

Then we go our way and promptly forget that we prayed for a solution or asked for guidance. Or maybe we don't forget. Maybe we just never really believed that we would receive an answer. So we continue to plow our way through our predicament resenting those who don't help, cursing those that try, but fall short, and cry with our head in our hands, mumbling, "What to do? What to do?"

This is where I remind you to stop. Slow down and breathe deeply. Did you ask for help? Then expect help. Begin to look for signs of help. Begin to be still enough and stop crashing through your life like a bull in a china shop looking for some trinket that may not be there! Listen for that still small voice whispering in your ear, "This is the way over here; over there; take this step; move around this obstacle; go past this person, they are not the one to help you; take another step; keep moving forward; keep looking for the lighted pathway." It may only be lit up for one step at a time. But, it IS lit up.

If you don't think that God hears or answers prayer, why waste your breath? If you pray, expect him to show up. There is no need to get angry at someone who turns you away. It just becomes clear that that person is not the one you need; move on. Try something else. Maybe they don't give you the answer you want or expect; listen anyway. Is there something in their comment that can help you? You asked for leading, let yourself be led. As you pursue the answers that you seek, expect that they are revealing themselves. Do not allow yourself to be offended or hurt or frightened. Expect that somehow, someway, the events of the day are part of the answer. Can it be that you are being steered clear of someone who may not be the best help or influence? Could it be that one door is closed in order to reveal another further on down the hallway that wasn't so obvious, but may be much better? Don't be angry at the one who slams the door; he could be doing you a favor. Follow the path that is being lit for you, with a grateful heart, full of expectation that a better way is just down the road. Don't waste a second complaining or whining or worrying. Things change everyday. That is just a part of life; because that is the nature of things. This confusing time is only a change waiting to make itself clear.

Breathe. Wait. Listen. Go.

www.marianneclyde.com

7 steps to fulfillment

2010-01-07T22:48:00Z

This morning, I sat down to meditate, and started off, like I often do, thanking God for our kids and the myriad of blessings in our lives. As I started to think of each one, (We have a combined family of 8, 5 of which are married and so far, they have produced a total of 10 grandchildren.) I thought about what I wanted for each one; the list is quite long. So I thought, "what do I really want for them?" and realized that it is what I want for each of us.

1. Rather than pray for God to give you peace, I pray that you become peace, as you become one with him, "who is our peace." (Ephesians 2:14)

2. Rather than pray for money, I pray that you are one with the provider who "gives the power to create wealth and adds no sorrow to it." (Proverbs 10:22)

3. Rather than pray for you to be blessed, I pray that you are a blessing to someone today, knowing that the "measure you give is the measure you get, pressed down, shaken together and running over." (Luke 6:38)

4. Rather than pray that you will be healed, I pray that you become aware that you are already "whole, perfect, complete, lacking nothing" and allow that to manifest outward from the deepest recesses of your being. (James 1:4)

5. Rather than pray that he fulfills the desires that you ache for, I pray that as you become one with him, he will keep his promise to "give you the desires of your heart," without the ache. (Psalm 37:4)

6. Rather than pray for you to make the right connections and meet the right people, I pray that you are still enough to hear his voice behind you saying, "This is the way, walk ye in it." (Isaiah 30:21)

7. Rather than pray that you would have a great idea or create that one "thing" that would make you rich or famous, I pray that with every breath, you breathe in the Creator himself so that creativity would just flow out of you so much so that you can't even contain all the blessings. Because I know that "eye has not seen nor ear heard, nor has it entered into the heart of man what God has in store for those that love him." (I Corinthians 2:9)

Yes, I could pray for needs that keep coming back and he would answer, because that's who he is; but why not pray really for just one: that you would be one with him, and have all your needs fulfilled, always?

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Changing the world in 10 minutes a day....

2010-01-04T21:17:00Z

The Dalai Lama apparently has said that he believes that "war and violence would become extinct in one generation if, beginning at age five, children were taught to meditate on compassion for an hour a week for the rest of their lives." (from Excuses Begone by Wayne Dyer) An hour a week is only ten minutes a day, with a day off!!

This can be 10 minutes spent reading a book about a need somewhere in the world, or loving your neighbor, or giving without expecting anything back. One of my favorite children's books is The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein, a book of unconditional love that a tree had for a little boy. These kinds of books don't take long to read but can become part of a child's world view if read often enough and talked about. What does it mean to give and expect nothing back? Questions like this make great dinner table discussions as opposed to the " 'What did you do in school today?'...'Nothing.' " conversation that is so prevalent. Meditation is focusing your thoughts on something. There are many ways we can help our children focus their thoughts. And as we help them focus their thoughts, our thoughts are focusing on the same things.

How cool would it be if every morning, our first conversation wrapped around "What can I do for someone else today?" We can have family projects that we plan for such as making get well cards and passing them out at a hospital. We can make a regular visit to the store to buy food for the food pantry in our neighborhood and deliver it as a family. We can collect school supplies all year with a small portion of our allowance and wrap gift packages for kids in the middle east or in Appalachia. We could use that same money each week to buy toothpaste and shaving cream or candies and compile goodie packs for soldiers to send at Christmas. We could sponsor a child in a foreign country, as a family, and write regular letters back and forth.

Teaching our kids to be thoughtful and generous and nonjudgmental will not only help them change the world as they get older, but will make them strong, compassionate human beings now...and the by product? Strong, compassionate parents and closely bonded families. Not a bad deal for 10 minutes a day.

www.marianneclyde.com

I see you.

2010-01-03T15:15:00Z

I see you. Not your disabilities. Not your diseases. Not your shortcomings or bad habits. Not your history. Not your family. Not your beauty or lack of it. Not your size. Not your hair do. Not your job. Not your tribe, or ethnic group, or social status. Not your political party. Not your education. Not your mistakes or successes. Not your fashion sense. Not your house or your things or your car. Not your mental ability. Not your relationships or connections. Not your money.

I see you. I know that you have been hurt, like I have been hurt. I know that you want to be loved like I want to be loved. I know your need to belong is just like mine. I know that you have been sad and lonely like I have been. I know.

I see you. I know that you are not your performance, whether you believe that or not. I know that you are not what I have heard about you, positive or negative, whether you believe that or not.

I see you. Not tomorrow. Not yesterday. Not when you get it all together. Not when you have it figured out. Not even way back when, when you thought you had it figured out, but in this moment.

I see you. You are not my enemy. You are not "one of them." You are not a perfect person. You are not a loser. You are created in the image of God. Your perfection lies in that. Our oneness lies in that. If you are hungry or thirsty, I am, too. If you are lonely, I am, too. If you are hated, I am, too. If you are in prison, I am, too. If you are loved, I am, too.

I see you. Please see the person in front of you the same way.

www.marianneclyde.com

Small beginnings

2010-01-02T15:38:00Z

A whole new year stretches before us, bringing with it a chance to review where we have been, what we have accomplished and where we want to be. For many people this includes resolutions about how to change what we don't like about ourselves or our lives. We want to be rich and thin and gorgeous and successful and loved and healthy. So we promise ourselves this year no more smoking or drinking. We decide to lose those 10 pounds (or 50). We resolve to read a book each week or call our mothers every Sunday (This is a good one if my own kids happen to read this!) We will write that book or get that promotion or quit this job or move to a new location.

Unfortunately for us, we tend to have this "all-or-nothing" approach to life. We think big. Big houses, big portions, win the lottery, make a million. When we don't win big, we think we have failed. We make a resolution for a year or set a goal for life to "never again" or "from this moment onward" or "for as long as I live". Really!? So if you don't, you feel like a failure. You set yourself up to be disappointed. Circumstances may change tomorrow (or this afternoon) or on your next trip to the doctor, or with the next phone call. We claim, we cling, we hoard, we understand, we know, we resolve...forever. We forget that things change. Every moment.

Given this, what can you do now? This moment. Today. There is nothing wrong with having goals. But the joy is in the journey. How do you know that your life will be better if you lose 50 lbs? How do you know that you will be happy if you get that promotion? Will that big house really make you content? Can the lottery solve all your problems? If we strive, focused on a huge goal set at some future date, then we are living in the future (which does not actually exist). So might that mean that you are not really living if you are living in a time that does not exist? So what can you do today, this moment, that really does exist, to move yourself in a direction that you want to go?

If you want to be a better person, you don't have to win the lottery, put a million dollars into a fund and feed a village in Africa. You can take a few cans of chili to the food bank today. You can write your estranged brother a letter. Today. You can wave ahead the person wanting to merge into your traffic lane. Today. You can refrain from gossip. Today. You can eat healthy. Today. You can take a walk. Today. You can refrain from judgment, in this instance. You can listen attentively to someone you would normally blow off, this time. You can count to 10 before exploding, in your current situation. You can refrain from using "always" and "never" in an argument this afternoon. You can go one day without labeling someone or a group of people as the enemy.

One minute is all it takes to meditate and breathe slowly and consciously the first time. Being thankful before a meal today doesn't have to be a production, just a silent acknowledgment. Gratitude can be practiced moment by moment as thoughts cross your mind. Rather than thinking of what you need today, practice being thankful for what you already have, who is already in your life. Do you nurture the relationships you have or do you spend all your time pining for a new one?

We want to change our lives. But we try to do it by eating the whole elephant in one swallow. Try slowing down. Make THIS decision a good one. Make THAT meal a healthy one. Make ONE phone call. Do SOMETHING nice. Give SOMEONE a break. Take ONE MINUTE to relax. Balance THIS checkbook. Pay ONE bill. Tomorrow will take care of itself. Living well in the moment means you cannot fail.

Breathe in deeply and breathe out slowly. This is your moment. This is your day. This is your year.

www.marianneclyde.com

Fear makes people stupid.

2009-12-11T08:02:00Z

This is not my usual kind of blog topic. But it is just one more example of how fear can make people (even governments) consider stupid things! We really have to, daily, even hourly, stop and breathe deeply and not let fear craziness overtake us!

This article was posted by me on www.rwnetwork.net entitled "Uganda...what are you thinking?!" on 12/10/09

As a world leader in the eradication of the dreaded pandemic, AIDS, Uganda deserves the hugest respect and admiration. They have taken a stand to bring the issue out in the open and implement testing, treatment, education and prevention. Awesome.

In that country, homosexuality is currently illegal. At the present time, there is a bill before the parliament that would further, not only stigmatize same sex orientation, but would penalize practicing homosexuals with life-long prison terms, and potentially execution. It would also promote prison terms for anyone who knows that someone is a homosexual and does not tell. This one act in itself would cause the whole issue to go even deeper underground and absolutely undo whatever good has been accomplished to rid the country of AIDS.

It is being approached as a moral issue, promoting prison terms to anyone who even approaches someone to have a same sex liaison. This is breeding ground for false accusations...your word against mine....everyone becomes suspicious of everyone else; everyone becomes the enemy. It's "us" against "them". A certain way to destroy a country or a culture is to divide it, creating enemies from within.

It is one thing to try to promote a moral culture. It is quite another thing to judge, condemn, and punish that which we don't understand or agree with. There is fear that gays are "recruiting" the children. As soon as such unfounded fear becomes the motivating factor to legislation, the battle is lost. Can anyone say "Salem witch trials"??? Fear does not breed righteousness, it breeds more fear; and when we make decisions based on fear or anger, our IQ goes down and we end up making less-than-intelligent decisions! One doesn't have to go to Africa to see this type of fear based legislation. Everyday we have new opportunities to legislate or fight against a religion or a culture or a people that we don't understand. It is easy to demonize those that are different than we are, who believe differently than we do, who speak differently, or who make more or less money than we do, or who observe different customs. We attack "them" and think that the hatred, somehow, doesn't splash back and bloody us.

This time of year, there is much talk about giving and compassion. Jesus, whose birth is celebrated this month all over the globe, promoted a life and faith of compassion and righteousness (not judgment). What he condemned was hypocrisy (self righteousness and judgment of others).

In reading blogs and articles on this topic, there is much discussion about whether or not foreigners even have a right to chime in on this conversation. While I agree that Uganda must make their own decisions, I believe any democracy (technically a Republic, in this case) benefits from discussion. And hopefully, some of this discussion will cause the legislators of Uganda to pause and realize that thoughtful consideration of how far they have come in the AIDS crisis, will encourage them to be cautious not to undo that, by acting courageously and avoid the tentacles of fear.

www.marianneclyde.com

So you are offended....

2009-12-06T06:11:00Z

Several times I have been asked to give some feedback about how a person can resist being offended. It's obviously not a comfortable feeling. Being annoyed, irritated, disgruntled, angry, appalled or hurt by someone else's behavior, uses up good energy. It makes you feel stressed, or perhaps gives you a headache or upset stomach. Why would you want to experience that? You may say that it is just a reaction and you have no choice. I think by now, if you know me, you know that I would say, "baloney!" or something similar.

It doesn't mean that I don't feel your pain. I do. We want everyone to like us, to approve of us, to think we are awesome. That just feels better. BUT, if you think about it for a minute, even when you feel better because someone likes you, it still gives them power over you. You are still dependent on someone else to establish your worth in your own mind. If they like you, you are content and peaceful (maybe even giddy); if they don't, you are sad, depressed, hurt and feeling worthless. Yikes! So, even when you are feeling positive, it is only a tentative feeling that can change at any moment, depending on someone else's mood. Why, why, why would you allow that to happen?

Just about everyone has some kind of insecurities. Those insecurities cause all sorts of pathological behaviors. The bully at school is at a huge disadvantage if the bullied child does not respond. The bully feels his self worth by the power he exerts when he causes someone to tremble, or to fork over his lunch money. If there is no response, he gets nothing. Same goes with a boss who is a bully, or a "friend" who is fickle or moody, or a spouse who tries to control with criticism. Everyone is looking for a feeling of security, a place to belong, a sense of equilibrium. The problem is, we are looking for love in all the wrong places. You cannot find security in something or someone who is insecure. We have established long held habitual responses to situations by creating beliefs and corresponding actions that we learned in childhood, when we were very vulnerable. These habitual ways of thinking and responding must be unlearned and changed. In most cases, we were taught how to fit in, how to gain approval, how to be loved by the feedback of those we depended on: teachers, parents, siblings, friends. These people were coming from their own place of insecurity, even though they may have had the best of intentions. The fact is, they conditioned us to please them, whether or not it was true or good for us.

If we look to other people, to our boss, teacher, coworkers, friends, spouses, children, church, club, school, or team to validate us, we will never feel completely validated. They just do not have the wherewithal to provide that for us. This is where the rubber meets the road. Yes, we are in this world. Yes we are a part of humanity. Yes, we must work together because we need each other. But we do not need each other to be validated. The absolute truth about this is that you are one with your creator who is whole and complete, perfect in every way. He is. He is validated just by his existence. He is worthy, just because he is. He is loved because he is love. He has everything he needs because he is in everything. Because he has more than enough and keeps on creating and producing more, he has much to give away. This is the one you come from. You are a little piece of all that with all the same characteristics and advantages.

What fulfills God's purpose is that He is always creating, giving, helping, giving life, providing. That's his nature. If he ever stopped that and started to move or create only when someone acknowledged him or validated him, he would cease to exist because that is not who he is. That is why we get lonely and depressed, offended and hurt. We are turning inward instead of turning outward. It is against our natural way of being. In order to fully experience life and be happy and joyful, we need to move in the direction that we were created, not counter to it. We need to move in the love that created us, always moving forward, never looking back or inward, or a part of us starts to shrivel and die.

I know all of this sounds well and good in theory, but in practicality, we still get hurt and offended. How do we stop that?

We need to identify the patterns that we have established and the experiences and beliefs that hold them in place, and change them. We need to replace faulty thinking with truth. Remember that Jesus said, "You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free." You have the truth written on your heart. You just need to be still enough to hear it, be aware of it and acknowledge it. Each of us has the capacity in ourselves to do this.

When you find yourself feeling offended, take a deep breath, close your eyes. Feel the feeling in your body. (Does it feel like a sucker punch to the gut? Does it create tension in your neck? Does it make you nauseous?) Ask the Truth in you to take you back to the very moment that you first ever felt like this. What was going on? Who said what? Who did what? How old were you? What did you come to believe from this experience? (Did you believe that you are not worth anything? Did you believe that no one will like you if they knew that about you? Did you come to believe that you don't matter? Did you believe that you have to do whatever anybody else says in order to gain approval?) You know in your mind that these things are not true; but to a vulnerable young child it feels very true, and that very young child still exists somewhere inside of you. Our cells remember everything! We always respond to what we feel to be true, rather that what we know to be true, as much as we try to believe otherwise. So you have to change how you feel about that. So when you identify what you feel and what you believe in that feeling, ask the Truth that is in you to replace the faulty thinking with Truth. Then just sit there and breathe calmly and deeply until you gain insight. You will notice that the uncomfortable feeling dissipates and you being to feel at ease. You have a new understanding of your worth. Breathe that truth in and claim it as your own.

The next time you are tempted to feel offended, just breathe in deeply the Truth that you know now. Know that the only way you can truly live in the powerful way that you were created to live is to move from a place of wholeness, never again allowing anyone to derail you because of their own need. You cannot meet someone else's true need if you are needy. You were created whole, complete and perfect, lacking nothing. Move in that.

And breathe.

www.marianneclyde.com

Could we be the problem?

2009-12-04T08:30:00Z

Photography by Benjamin Clyde

World hunger. Human trafficking. Death by water borne diseases. AIDS. Poverty.

We live in an amazing world. Huge rivers and lakes, teeming with fish; wide open pastures full of livestock; miles and miles of fresh green vegetables and tree after tree of luscious sweet juicy fruit. Mines full of precious treasure and raw minerals. Six point eight billion people. According to statistics, over 1.1 billion have no access to clean water; 1.2 billion of these people do not have enough to eat. Some live down the street from you.

If you ever fasted for just 24 hours, you know that your stomach soon starts to grumble and ache. You start to obsess about food. It's difficult to concentrate on anything else. You begin to feel weak and listless, maybe even headache-y. If this continues over a period of time, your resistance to disease goes down. Your body, wondrous creation that it is, cannot do what it was designed to do. What if you felt like that all day every day with no end in sight? What if you had to watch your children suffer like that?

Malnutrition causes physical and mental development problems. These problems contribute to a lack in ability to learn or work. They put a burden on society. They invite corrupt governments to make promises that they have no intention of keeping. These corrupt governments exploit their people and use the statistics about poverty and disease to get aid from other countries, but very often (most often, in my opinion) the people with the needs never see one penny of this aid. The people in poor countries are then left to their own devices to eek out a meager living to try to feed their families. Many of these countries have an average family income of $200-300 a year, less than a family on welfare in the states receives in a month.

We watch the news. We feel sorry for the poor. But we have our own problems. As we become immersed in those problems, it is easy to become distracted and put pity on the back burner. Fact is: Pity doesn't do anything anyway, except make you feel weak and guilty, while at the same time maintaining a sense that you are superior. "Poor thing. tch, tch, tch." So, obviously pity is not the answer.

The truth is that because we are all connected on some level, when someone is starving, we are starving. When someone is sick, we are sick. When someone is exploited, we are exploited. When anyone else hurts, we hurt. We may have programmed our souls not to feel that or to excuse it away, but I believe that it is a fundamental truth. I believe it could possibly be one reason why so many suffer from depression and other disorders. We begin to look in instead of out. We think we are separate and isolated, so we feel lonely. We come to believe that it's us against the world, so we put up our defenses and hide away. We look at our own meager incomes and think we have nothing to share. So we sock it away. We become so weary that we also forget that we have talents and skills and ideas to share that could possibly even save someone's life! We feel imprisoned by our own circumstances and problems. So often we watch the news and wish we could do something, but the world is so big and the problems are so overwhelming and we feel helpless to do anything. We feel weak.

Robert Frost hit the nail on the head when he said, "Something we were withholding made us weak, until we found out that it was ourselves." The only way to free ourselves is to free others. If I am one with God and you are one with God, then so are those starving in Africa; so are the exploited in Cambodia; so are the oppressed in Afghanistan; and so is the poor person down the street. We don't have to go far to find our freedom, but we do have to come out of our fearful shells of self protection and take a risk.

We are entering the season for giving. Ho! Ho! Ho! There are a whole lot of people not laughing.

Is it within the realm of possibility that we could actually change the world, one person at a time? We will never know until we try. What if everyone shared something with someone in need? What about even challenging ourselves to do this every day? The resources of the world are more than enough to feed each person. This, however, cannot be legislated. We cannot be forced to share our wealth. That has never worked and it won't work now. It has to come from within. As you gain the awareness that you breathe the same breath from the same source as an AIDS orphan in Malawi, you will come to realize that his salvation is truly yours, and the answer might just lie with you.

Below are a couple of places where you can begin to become informed and get empowered to help. I personally endorse both of these sites, but there are many, many more, probably even including a local Food Pantry in your own community!
www.wrgnews.com
www.worldhope.org

Here's to your freedom, as you set others free!
www.marianneclyde.com

What an idiot!

2009-12-03T02:34:00Z

I drove up to the following scene in front of my house one evening. I must admit that the temptation to react from the gut is strong!

There you are, sitting at a stop light, minding your own business, eager to get to a meeting, when out of nowhere you feel a sharp jerk to your neck and you realize that the car behind you just plowed into you. He hardly even slowed down!

"What an idiot!" you mumble under your breath. Or maybe you don't quite mumble. Just the same. That is the moment you gave up your power.

"Don't I have a right to be angry?" you ask. "Certainly the guy was not paying attention. He just made me late for my appointment and now I will probably have neck problems for the rest of my life. Idiot!"

You are angry. But in the split second before you got angry, you felt threatened and unstable and confused. You felt out of control. Those are not comfortable emotions. No one likes to be out of control. SO, the first instinct is a knee jerk reaction to gain control. But, along with the knee jerk reaction to gain control you decided to get angry, call the guy names and started thinking how your entire day was now going to be ruined. Idiot!

What also happened was that your IQ went down. Studies show that when intense emotions take over, like anger, your intelligence level drops. So then you start taking action. And you are taking action from a position of weakness (low IQ). So you are probably acting and speaking from your anger and losing good time that could be spent figuring how you could still get to your meeting on time; seeing if the guy behind you was in fact daydreaming or in some sort of distress; figuring out what to do with your car; calling the police or a taxi or whatever you need to do. You have just wasted precious moments because you gave into the gut reaction, learned from childhood, to get angry when something screws up your plans.

By calling him and idiot, you have already decided that he is your enemy; that he did this on purpose. You have blamed him instead of taking responsibility for your own situation. And you have prophesied to the universe that you are, from now on, going to have neck problems. SO: now you are dealing from a decidedly adversarial position, which includes accusations, anger, blaming, and expecting someone else to take responsibility for your day and your health. At the same time, you must elicit his cooperation in the solution. When you jump out of your car and begin to verbally attack, all possibility of an amicable efficient solution is over. The guy automatically kicks into defense mode and puts up the automatic armor that HE has learned to do, from childhood, when someone attacks. OR, if one or the other of you is seriously hurt, you have wasted precious moments that could have been used to seek help. Now, of course you will miss your meeting. You are tense and angry and have moved probably too quickly if you have a neck injury, and stressed to the hilt, which is not a healing environment for any physical problem. So, maybe you are indeed correct and now, because of added stress, the neck injury might linger. You have probably invited a court case and certainly ruled out any possibility of a quiet peaceful resolution. Receiving a bump to your car might have been resolved in short order, but now you have birthed a circus that may take months to resolve. "Well, it's his fault!" you say.

Wrong. It's your fault.

Instead, you could have stayed with the uncomfortable feeling of being out of control for a few moments, long enough to take a few deep breaths and restore your equilibrium and CHOOSE how you will act just like a person in control would do. You would have taken the time to make a quick assessment of what happened and started to decide what had to be done.

Stuff happens. If we could exist in a magical bubble where nothing inconvenient ever happened, you would probably, at the very least, be bored out of your mind. So what do you do if "stuff happens"? You make the best of the situation. The moment the car hit you, you have a split second to make a decision. Are you going to let that guy continue to determine the course of events or are you going to take a deep breath and take control. If you stay calm, and not let the stress overtake you, and not lower yourself to a childish reaction, and keep your mind sharp, you can quickly assess the situation. You can stay focused on your goal of getting to your meeting on time, or as close as possible, make sure the other guy is OK. As soon as you approach him with an air of genuine concern, and express that you understand things happen and that you must get on your way, you disarm him. Chances are he was steeled for battle because he was sure you were going to be ticked. As soon as you approach him with grace and compassion, he is way more likely to be cooperative, so you can exchange information and both be on your way. Let the insurance companies hash it out and don't make it personal. He did not wake up this morning plotting how to absolutely destroy your day and his own along with it.

In following the first scenario, you, by your reaction, turn an inconvenient moment into a bogged down disaster. Alternatively, by pursuing the second path, you feel better, cut the red tape short and minimize the aggravation, bringing compassion and healing to an already uncomfortable situation. Your choice. Blaming someone else doesn't change that.

Why would anyone ever allow someone else to ruin his day? Who, then, would be the idiot?

Breathe.

www.marianneclyde.com

Is there a hole in your bucket?

2009-11-24T03:19:00Z

From out of nowhere I found this song playing around in my head. I have a unique talent for storing children's songs, poems, nursery rhymes in a special corner of my brain. Many people might think it's a little odd or at the very least indicates low brain function I, however, find them full of treasures and life lessons that can be applied to our lives even as adults. You can actually listen to the tune here: http://www.kididdles.com/lyrics/t028.html so that you can also have the tune in your head. (Stick with me; there is a point.)

"There's a hole in the bucket, Dear Liza, dear Liza
There's a hole in the bucket, Dear Liza, there's a hole.

Then fix it, dear Henry, Dear Henry, dear Henry
Then fix it, dear Henry, Dear Henry, fix it.

With what shall I fix it, Dear Liza, dear Liza?
With what shall I fix it, Dear Liza, with what?

With a straw, dear Henry, Dear Henry, dear Henry
With a straw, dear Henry, Dear Henry, with a straw.

But the straw is too long, Dear Liza, dear Liza
But the straw is too long, Dear Liza, too long

Then cut it, dear Henry, Dear Henry, dear Henry
Then cut it, dear Henry, Dear Henry, cut it.

With what shall I cut it, Dear Liza, dear Liza?
With what shall I cut it, Dear Liza, with what?

With an axe, dear Henry, Dear Henry, dear Henry
With an axe, dear Henry, Dear Henry, an axe.

The axe is too dull, Dear Liza, dear Liza
The axe is too dull, Dear Liza, too dull

Then sharpen it, dear Henry, Dear Henry, dear Henry
Then sharpen it, dear Henry, Dear Henry, sharpen it.

With what shall I sharpen it, Dear Liza, dear Liza?
With what shall I sharpen it, Dear Liza, with what?

With a stone, dear Henry, Dear Henry, dear Henry
With a stone, dear Henry, Dear Henry, a stone.

The stone is too dry, Dear Liza, dear Liza
The stone is too dry, Dear Liza, too dry

Then wet it, dear Henry, Dear Henry, dear Henry
Then wet it, dear Henry, Dear Henry, wet it.

With what shall I wet it, Dear Liza, dear Liza?
With what shall I wet it, Dear Liza, with what?

With water, dear Henry, Dear Henry, dear Henry
With water, dear Henry, Dear Henry, with water.

How shall I get it, Dear Liza, dear Liza,
How shall I get it, Dear Liza, how shall I?

In the bucket, dear Henry, Dear Henry, dear Henry
In the bucket, dear Henry, Dear Henry, in the bucket.

There's a hole in the bucket."

Here is the point. As soon as I started thinking of this song, I thought of how often it seems that as soon as we get something, it seems to disappear. When we get a raise at work, it seems to be gone before we know it. When we recover from one cold, another one seems to come to replace it. We begin the breathe easy when things start to be going well in our families, only to get a phone call that bring that sick feeling to our stomach. It seems as if we have a hole in our bucket. No matter how fast we fill it, or try to keep it full, the contents leaks out.

So, I asked God. If you could tell everyone about how to stop the leak, what would you say?

"What leak?"

You know. The leak from their lives so that they never feel full or satisfied or complete. The leak of abundance, money, love, energy, joy, fulfillment, satisfaction, sense of purpose, clarity of direction.

"You are starting with a faulty premise."

What do you mean? I am thinking of life as a bucket and that bucket seems to have a hole in it. Every time it looks like it might be filling up, the water leaks out. Every time we think we have enough money, time, talent, love, it seems to slip away. So I am asking how to patch up that hole.

"As I said, your focus is wrong. If you concentrate on the leak, you will never feel full. Just as in the song, the solution ends up pointing to the problem. In trying to fix the leak, there is much activity. You feel as if you are making progress:

1. You identify the problem.

2. You have a solution in mind.

3. You develop a plan to carry out the solution.

4. You acquire things that will help you create the solution.

5. You develop another plan to hone or perfect the things you have acquired.

6. You gather the tools and develop yet another plan as to how to use those tools.

7. Finally, you find that you are ready to implement the plan that will lead to the solution only to find that the solution is not possible because of the original problem.

It becomes a vicious cycle. Much of life is just like this. There is a flurry of activity until everyone is exhausted, only to find that the initial limitations prevent the solution. People are very good at looking busy and productive, but to what end? Here, your focus in on the bucket, and more accurately, on the hole in the bucket. You are thinking that if you can just fix the problem (the hole), you can then have everything you want. This is wrong thinking. Your focus is on the finite and the measurable. If you focus on that, you will never have enough of anything."

But, Lord, how can we fix a problem if we don't focus on it? What should we focus on?

"The Source of the flow, which never runs dry. Ever. And that is within you, leak or no leak."

www.marianneclyde.com

Are you a "fixer"?

2009-11-21T22:40:00Z

People become therapists for a variety of reasons. No offense to those who share my profession, but not all of those reasons are helpful or even healthy for that matter. Many clients who come to us also do not understand the most healthy approach to therapy. They come to us to be "fixed" and we busily and frustratingly go about trying to "fix them". As a matter of fact, therapists are not the only ones who fall into the trap of wanting to "fix".

I know a lot of women who are trying to "fix" their husbands or boyfriends. Not to be outdone, there are a lot of men trying to mold their wives or girlfriends into what they "should be". Parents try to fix their kids; people from one culture try to fix another culture; people from one faith try to fix the faith of another. As a matter fact, one time I remember saying to my adult son (sort of joking), "You know, if you would just do what I say, your life would be so much easier!" He responded, (sort of joking), "Well, Mom, you know that's just not my personality!"

We are a generation of control freaks. We know best. If people would just listen to us, do things our way, life would just be pretty smooth for everyone! I have even made the comment (again, sort of joking) that if God would just listen to me, and do things my way, life would just work out so much better! We think we know. We see the flaws in others and are ready to jump right in to "help". We offer unsolicited advice, loaded with helpful suggestions and get offended or hurt when people don't jump to attention and salute!

We forget that the log in our own eye, may make it difficult to remove the speck in someone else's. So we clumsily go about jabbing at his or her eye to get that speck out, not realizing that we are doing more damage than good. Even as a therapist, I find that it is much more empowering to help the client discover his own source of unhappiness and then help him find the truth that is already inside of him waiting to come out. If I just tell him what to do or give him my solution and understanding...it remains just that: MY solution and understanding. It is healing only when the answer belongs to him. And the best way for him to arrive at the place he wants to be is to discover for himself in his own timing. So maybe as a therapist, I have a little more latitude to guide someone because he comes to me for help. But in personal relationships, the rule of thumb should be: fix yourself first and then others will magically "change".

I have lifted the following quote from my friend, Dena's blog, because it articulates these thoughts perfectly. And this time of year, when conflict bubbles so close to the surface, due to the increase in stress levels and time with those we are closest to (and thus feel compelled to "fix"), I think it is a timely topic.

"Do you sincerely wish to help others to better themselves? Avoid
criticizing them or moralizing, and start by bettering yourself.
Merely by your example you can show them they are making a
mistake or behaving badly. Yes, by your example. Because, when
you work on yourself, you are working on others: they notice
qualities in you that are lacking in them, and that makes them
progress, as they understand the advantages for them in doing as
you do. Those who concern themselves with the weaknesses and
vices of others become dull and disagreeable, as if the faults
they talk about finally rub off on them; it's awful, you feel
sorry for them.

So start by making changes for the better in yourself, and let
other people be. Accept them as they are, be patient, work
relentlessly, day and night, to show them just what can be
achieved through sincere endeavor. If they don't yet know, they
won't learn it from your words, but they will from your example."
Omraam Mikhaël Aïvanhov

Now that the load of needing to "fix" others is lifted, you can finally just breathe.....feels good, doesn't it?

www.marianneclyde.com