Several times I have been asked to give some feedback about how a person can resist being offended.  It's obviously not a comfortable feeling.  Being annoyed, irritated, disgruntled, angry, appalled or hurt by someone else's behavior, uses up good energy.  It makes you feel stressed, or perhaps gives you a headache or upset stomach.  Why would you want to experience that?  You may say that it is just a reaction and you have no choice.  I think by now, if you know me, you know that I would say, "baloney!" or something similar.

It doesn't mean that I don't feel your pain.  I do.  We want everyone to like us, to approve of us, to think we are awesome.  That just feels better.  BUT, if you think about it for a minute, even when you feel better because someone likes you, it still gives them power over you.  You are still dependent on someone else to establish your worth in your own mind.  If they like you, you are content and peaceful (maybe even giddy); if they don't, you are sad, depressed, hurt and feeling worthless.  Yikes!  So, even when you are feeling positive, it is only a tentative feeling that can change at any moment, depending on someone else's mood.  Why, why, why would you allow that to happen?

Just about everyone has some kind of insecurities.  Those insecurities cause all sorts of pathological behaviors.  The bully at school is at a huge disadvantage if the bullied child does not respond.  The bully feels his self worth by the power he exerts when he causes someone to tremble, or to fork over his lunch money.  If there is no response, he gets nothing.  Same goes with a boss who is a bully, or a "friend"  who is fickle or moody, or a spouse who tries to control with criticism.  Everyone is looking for a feeling of security, a place to belong, a sense of equilibrium.  The problem is, we are looking for love in all the wrong places.  You cannot find security in something or someone who is insecure.  We have established long held habitual responses to situations by creating beliefs and corresponding actions that we learned in childhood, when we were very vulnerable.  These habitual ways of thinking and responding must be unlearned and changed.  In most cases, we were taught how to fit in, how to gain approval, how to be loved by the feedback of those we depended on:  teachers, parents, siblings, friends.  These people were coming from their own place of insecurity, even though they may have had the best of intentions.  The fact is, they conditioned us to please them, whether or not it was true or good for us.

If we look to other people, to our boss, teacher, coworkers, friends, spouses, children, church, club, school, or team to validate us, we will never feel completely validated.  They just do not have the wherewithal to provide that for us.  This is where the rubber meets the road.  Yes, we are in this world.  Yes we are a part of humanity.  Yes, we must work together because we need each other.  But we do not need each other to be validated.  The absolute truth about this is that you are one with your creator who is whole and complete, perfect in every way.  He is.  He is validated just by his existence. He is worthy, just because he is.  He is loved because he is love.  He has everything he needs because he is in everything.  Because he has more than enough and keeps on creating and producing more, he has much to give away.  This is the one you come from.  You are a little piece of all that with all the same characteristics and advantages.

What fulfills God's purpose is that He is always creating, giving, helping, giving life, providing.  That's his nature.  If he ever stopped that and started to move or create only when someone acknowledged him or validated him,  he would cease to exist because that is not who he is.  That is why we get lonely and depressed, offended and hurt.  We are turning inward instead of turning outward.  It is against our natural way of being.  In order to fully experience life and be happy and joyful, we need to move in the direction that we were created, not counter to it.  We need to move in the love that created us, always moving forward, never looking back or inward, or a part of us starts to shrivel and die. 

I know all of this sounds well and good in theory, but in practicality, we still get hurt and offended.  How do we stop that? 

We need to identify the patterns that we have established and the experiences and beliefs that hold them in place, and change them.  We need to replace faulty thinking with truth.  Remember that Jesus said, "You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free." You have the truth written on your heart.  You just need to be still enough to hear it, be aware of it and acknowledge it.  Each of us has the capacity in ourselves to do this. 

When you find yourself feeling offended, take a deep breath, close your eyes.  Feel the feeling in your body.  (Does it feel like a sucker punch to the gut?  Does it create tension in your neck?  Does it make you nauseous?)  Ask the Truth in you to take you back to the very moment that you first ever felt like this.  What was going on?  Who said what?  Who did what?  How old were you?  What did you come to believe from this experience?  (Did you believe that you are not worth anything?  Did you believe that no one will like you if they knew that about you?  Did you come to believe that you don't matter?  Did you believe that you have to do whatever anybody else says in order to gain approval?)  You know in your mind that these things are not true; but to a vulnerable young child it feels very true, and that very young child still exists somewhere inside of you.  Our cells remember everything!  We always respond to what we feel to be true, rather that what we know to be true, as much as we try to believe otherwise.  So you have to change how you feel about that.  So when you identify what you feel and what you believe in that feeling, ask the Truth that is in you to replace the faulty thinking with Truth.  Then just sit there and breathe calmly and deeply until you gain insight.  You will notice that the uncomfortable feeling dissipates and you being to feel at ease.  You have a new understanding of your worth.  Breathe that truth in and claim it as your own.

The next time you are tempted to feel offended, just breathe in deeply the Truth that you know now.  Know that the only way you can truly live in the powerful way that you were created to live is to move from a place of wholeness, never again allowing anyone to derail you because of their own need.  You cannot meet someone else's true need if you are needy.  You were created whole, complete and perfect, lacking nothing.  Move in that.

And breathe.

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