The lights are on, but...
OK. Maybe I am just being testy. Maybe it's because I have been up all night with jet lag. But I can't get this out of my mind. Actually, I have been ruminating about it for sometime. I have been deliberating a couple of questions: What makes up a person of substance? Who is a person of substance? How do we encourage someone to be a person of substance?
More times than I care to count, lately, I have heard someone make invalidating remarks about another person--not just about their appearance, i.e.: "How could she possible wear that?" (which tends to rub me the wrong way anyway), but about their substance as a human being, i.e. "There is really nothing there." "The lights are on, but nobody's home." It makes me wonder how many times people do not offer what is uniquely "them" because they are afraid of being discredited? Whether or not these are said to a person's face or behind his back, makes no difference. The spirit of the thought is ever present.
When things like this start to orbit around my brain, it makes me consider how often I admittedly do the same thing without thinking.
How often do we negate someone by just blowing him off or talking about him or to him as if he has no brain or has nothing to contribute. It is not invalidating to disagree with someone. It IS invalidating to quash his thoughts and opinions without considering the person himself.
So very often, this happens in parenting. If a child says he is not cold, do we say put on a sweater anyway? If he says he doesn't like someone, do we say "Of course you do"? If she doesn't want to go to a party, do we say "Well, too bad, you are going"? We hear it all the time. A constant diet of this kind of knee-jerk feedback can stifle a child little by little. He will just one day stop offering his thoughts. She will just stop verbalizing her feelings. This leads, of course, to learning to communicate in indirect and dishonest ways. We are creating passive aggressive adults. We are creating insecure, needy citizens who depend on magical thinking and mind reading in order to get what they want.
Fast-forward to adulthood. That same child may become a wife who constantly complains that her husband never listens to her or doesn't understand her. It's the same husband who says that his wife should just "know" that he loves her. We all know people who only say what others want to hear and then do exactly what they please. These same adult sized children are the ones who now invalidate others because that is what they learned. And the cycle continues. If our friends and family are constantly throwing out thoughtless phrases that inhibit our participation in a conversation, it is no wonder that we don't want to hang around them. The message that we get, then, is that we could not possibly have anything important to contribute, and thus have no real value. People who have no value, don't think they can make a difference. Behavior then really doesn't make a difference because they really don't matter anyway. Whoa! It is incredible how this cycle can snowball into something much larger than we are equipped to handle.
So, what creates a person of substance? Does one have to do something significant to be a person of substance? Does he have to agree with me to be significant? Do I have to read about him in a history book? Essentially, by invalidating someone, we are categorizing people into different camps: those who have substance and those who don't.
If we are going to divide people into camps, I would propose we do it this way. Those who realize that they are a person of substance and those who don't. Sure, we have all said (or thought) about someone that "the lights are on but no one is home." Of course, what we mean is, yes, there is a pulse, but their mind seems to be empty. No one's mind is empty. They have just learned not to share for whatever reason. They have learned to be quiet, or appear "spacey" as a defense mechanism of some sort. But beyond the shadow of a doubt, they are thinking. They are feeling. They have something to share. They have substance. There is no one created that doesn't have substance; they just don't know it yet. On the other hand, the one who does the invalidating is inadvertently trying to annihilate others so that he can survive and continue to feel superior in some way. This is just another face of insecurity.
What can we do? First, we can be aware. We can check ourselves for inhibiting type of talk that comes out of our own mouth, and stop it before it does any damage. Secondly, we can begin to see people as significant, people of substance. We can know that everyone is on this planet to contribute his or her uniqueness for the good of others. And thirdly, we can begin to move others from the camp of those who don't yet know that they are people of substance to the camp of those who KNOW they have something to contribute. Encourage people to share themselves, to participate in this game of life, to do or say or be who they are with no fear of someone slamming them shut. All of us have been victims of this at one time or another and know how hurtful it is. We, too, have been perpetrators, even if just by being thoughtless. It is never too late to stop the cycle. As soon as we stop our wheels from going backwards toward destruction, we can change direction and begin to move toward creating a world of encouragement and participation and creativity, where the lights are always on.
www.marianneclyde.com
More times than I care to count, lately, I have heard someone make invalidating remarks about another person--not just about their appearance, i.e.: "How could she possible wear that?" (which tends to rub me the wrong way anyway), but about their substance as a human being, i.e. "There is really nothing there." "The lights are on, but nobody's home." It makes me wonder how many times people do not offer what is uniquely "them" because they are afraid of being discredited? Whether or not these are said to a person's face or behind his back, makes no difference. The spirit of the thought is ever present.
When things like this start to orbit around my brain, it makes me consider how often I admittedly do the same thing without thinking.
How often do we negate someone by just blowing him off or talking about him or to him as if he has no brain or has nothing to contribute. It is not invalidating to disagree with someone. It IS invalidating to quash his thoughts and opinions without considering the person himself.
So very often, this happens in parenting. If a child says he is not cold, do we say put on a sweater anyway? If he says he doesn't like someone, do we say "Of course you do"? If she doesn't want to go to a party, do we say "Well, too bad, you are going"? We hear it all the time. A constant diet of this kind of knee-jerk feedback can stifle a child little by little. He will just one day stop offering his thoughts. She will just stop verbalizing her feelings. This leads, of course, to learning to communicate in indirect and dishonest ways. We are creating passive aggressive adults. We are creating insecure, needy citizens who depend on magical thinking and mind reading in order to get what they want.
Fast-forward to adulthood. That same child may become a wife who constantly complains that her husband never listens to her or doesn't understand her. It's the same husband who says that his wife should just "know" that he loves her. We all know people who only say what others want to hear and then do exactly what they please. These same adult sized children are the ones who now invalidate others because that is what they learned. And the cycle continues. If our friends and family are constantly throwing out thoughtless phrases that inhibit our participation in a conversation, it is no wonder that we don't want to hang around them. The message that we get, then, is that we could not possibly have anything important to contribute, and thus have no real value. People who have no value, don't think they can make a difference. Behavior then really doesn't make a difference because they really don't matter anyway. Whoa! It is incredible how this cycle can snowball into something much larger than we are equipped to handle.
So, what creates a person of substance? Does one have to do something significant to be a person of substance? Does he have to agree with me to be significant? Do I have to read about him in a history book? Essentially, by invalidating someone, we are categorizing people into different camps: those who have substance and those who don't.
If we are going to divide people into camps, I would propose we do it this way. Those who realize that they are a person of substance and those who don't. Sure, we have all said (or thought) about someone that "the lights are on but no one is home." Of course, what we mean is, yes, there is a pulse, but their mind seems to be empty. No one's mind is empty. They have just learned not to share for whatever reason. They have learned to be quiet, or appear "spacey" as a defense mechanism of some sort. But beyond the shadow of a doubt, they are thinking. They are feeling. They have something to share. They have substance. There is no one created that doesn't have substance; they just don't know it yet. On the other hand, the one who does the invalidating is inadvertently trying to annihilate others so that he can survive and continue to feel superior in some way. This is just another face of insecurity.
What can we do? First, we can be aware. We can check ourselves for inhibiting type of talk that comes out of our own mouth, and stop it before it does any damage. Secondly, we can begin to see people as significant, people of substance. We can know that everyone is on this planet to contribute his or her uniqueness for the good of others. And thirdly, we can begin to move others from the camp of those who don't yet know that they are people of substance to the camp of those who KNOW they have something to contribute. Encourage people to share themselves, to participate in this game of life, to do or say or be who they are with no fear of someone slamming them shut. All of us have been victims of this at one time or another and know how hurtful it is. We, too, have been perpetrators, even if just by being thoughtless. It is never too late to stop the cycle. As soon as we stop our wheels from going backwards toward destruction, we can change direction and begin to move toward creating a world of encouragement and participation and creativity, where the lights are always on.
www.marianneclyde.com
Posted by marianne at 6/16/2009 5:32 AM 
Categories: uncategorized
Tags: encouragement validation invalidation person of substance inhibiting talk
Categories: uncategorized
Tags: encouragement validation invalidation person of substance inhibiting talk
Your observations are spot-on, Marianne!
I've been on both ends of this equation -- the invalidatee, and the invalidated. Neither feels good, when all is said and done. Neither lifts the other up. And, yes - when we suspect/fear that we'll be rejected, we don't offer out our true selves, but hold them in a reserve of self-protection -- offering only a masked faux-persona instead. We have become, to some degree, a society of projected personas, rarely connecting in a deep and meaningful way...
I'm astonished at how very learned a behavior invalidation is ... and thus how insidiously it can be habitualized. Honestly, I believe that far too many of us don't SEE that we do it, or even that we so often receive it.
Look at our sources of humor and entertainment -- much of what passes for comedy is laughter at the expense of another.
That we even see people as "other" is a huge part of the problem -- the ultimate illusion.
Everything must change ... because everything is different than the appearances would suggest. Judge not, we are told, by appearances.
It seems to me that the more we know we are accepted as we are, the more we know we have intrinsic value, the more we KNOW our worth, the more we are secure in our own identies ... the more we will extend that same value onto others.
If we KNEW who we really were, how God sees us ... then we could not help but to extend that to others.
When we realize who we really are, and live with integrity, we can call forth the true self of others ... deep calling to deep.
So, in a sense, the way I view and treat others can be a barometer for how I believe God sees/treats me.
Pretty powerful thought ... do I dare to really look and see...?
Am I prepared to let everything be revealed as it IS, and thus to let everything be chnaged...?
I found this article on invalidation, to be hugely impacting:
http://eqi.org/invalid.htm
(scroll down to read it)
Shalom, Dena
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Powerful thoughts, Dena! The link is great; very helpful, thanks.
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I am teaching girls at a junior and senior high school. Students in my class think that they are not smart enough to learn because their class is called "a lower class". I am telling them, "You do have much potential than them in a upper class. The only you can do is "not give up and try hard". Recently one girl told me that she will start to study hard from now. It was wonderful reaction to me. Indeed she is working hard in her way.
When we see even a tiny light in people, we should encourage them. It works. It might take a long time though. Important thing that we have to try hard to find the light in them. Thank you, Marianne, for sharing this. I was wondering if I am doing things well. Most of teachers in my school like to teach good students. They think that I don't have to take time for students who cannot understand easily.
Thank you so much.
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Terry, You are just the kind of teacher the girls need. It is so important to see the light in each one and help it to shine. Who knows? You may be the turning point in some of their lives that turn them from despair and hopelessness to joy and productivity!
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If I should make some invalidating remarks, even without knowing, or vice versa ( get them), I would feel sad, hurt, and uncomfortable... And I feel sorry for that. Because one-sided talk or inhibiting type of talk is far from a dialog. Our words should be not just for talking down others' thoughts or opinions, but for our mutual understanding, sharing, encouragement, etc... We cannot live alone. We influence one another. Keeping in mind that others' happiness will lead to our happiness, I'd like to meet a lot of person. I'm happy when I meet someone whose way of life will encourage me to be a better person.
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